The Wounded Healer
I received an e-mail from you a while ago, but for some reason I didn't tell my story even though I was encouraged to. I am ready now. I am a hypnotherapist, a successful hypnotherapist with many clients. Your words about how I always put others before myself rung truer than anything I have ever heard. Here is my story.
I had a memory of my Grandfather trying to put his hand down my knickers when I was ten or eleven years old and calling me Little Miss Lovely Legs. Yuck. I remember in a strange, terrible way wanting the attention. I told my Mum straight away, and we never saw him again. I thought then that this was the only time this had happened. At the age of 15 or 16 I started having panic attacks and began seeing a counsellor, I remembered a feeling of darkness and like 'something else had happened', I told my Mum and she broke down in tears and said that at the age of 2 or 3 (or whenever I could speak), god this is really hard to say, I told my Dad 'Grandad has babyseed' (this makes me sick to my stomach but I refuse to be ashamed for someone elses actions, especially when I was a toddler). This was worked on a bit and I struggled on, partying hard all through my twenties and having an overwhelming feeling that I could not have a relationship, but I thought this was because there was something wrong with me. At the age of 29 I had a full nervous breakdown, I couldn't stop drinking, abusing valium and had a terrifying feeling that nothing was real and that a dark spirit was infiltrating my body, I experienced nothing short of complete terror (I was running away from something imaginary or rather something my unconscious remembered and not my conscious), I ran around drinking red wine first thing in the morning and seeing all sorts of therapists, I ended up trying everything - I even went to see healers who told me my aura was broken (it probably was but this wasn't the problem), I thought the problem was drugs (I used ecstasy a lot in my twenties), little did I know, eventually I saw a hypnotherapist who I asked to find out for me what this fear of 'nothing being real was' and she regressed me back to eleven months old when I experienced a searing pain throughout my body, this is the first time my grandfather abused me, for some reason I still didn't take this seriously and I clawed my way out of it by using nutrition and anti-anxiety methods (how futile this seems in relation to the wound now), but I was merely coping and functiniong, I would still spend entire days in bed drinking to block out pain. I had planned to throw myself off a bridge before the doctor put me on 40mg of valium, I was completely suicidal and had to sit up one night staring at a photo of my Mum and Sister so that I didn't end it all. I started seeing a psychotherapist who I had seen as a life coach earlier in my life before my nervous breakdown and her words were 'I think the breakdown was to do with an earlier wound'. I didn't believe her at the time, but she was right and I am only just beginning to believe how much, it WILL always come out, somehow. I am still seeing a psychotherapist and she is wonderful but sometimes I feel it is not enough. Some times I am really winning and I feel happy again, at the moment I'm definitely not. Stress seems to trigger the old feelings of 'nothing being real'. I have moved on massively, but no-one in my family (apart from my younger sister who was not abused) is able to take any responsibility, my Grandfather is dead and thank God for that because God knows what I would do if he wasn't. I think I was systematically abused for over 10 years from the age of 11 months before it stopped. I have struggled with depression since the breakdown and anxiety to the point where I cannot get in cabs because I have trouble being on my own with a man I don't know. At the same time I have been able to have a good relationship with a loving man (who has a childhood and family I would die for) and am surrounded by friends who love me, I also have a great career. However this isn't enough, I still feel disconnected from God, I want my wellbeing back more than anything in the world, I would give up everything for the return of my wellbeing, I don't doubt I will get it but I sometimes I feel so extremely tired and that I can't fight anymore. To all those other wounded ones and wounded healers who am where I am, my heart and soul goes out to you, lets support each other, light I believe, somewhere in the wisdom part of me, will always triumph over dark.