So Long Ago

by Jessica
(Canon City CO USA)

I have to find others that can relate, I've been searching for reasons why I've felt so horrible, been sabotaging fairly normal relationships (compared to others) and worrying that somehow I'm not going to protect my son. My abuse started when I was about 4 years old and I'm just now realizing that the little girl inside of me is begging to be loved, wanted, appreciated and...adored like the princess that she is. The abuse continued until I was 11 years old. Before I finally spoke with a caseworker and told them what had happened, my mother passed away. I had told her when I was about 9 years old but she told me that it was okay and that was how my daddy was showing his love for me. Needless to say I have no idea what true love is but I can say that I had years of therapy that helped me to not engage in the other self-destructive behaviors. I just allow myself to be treated poorly and put down so all the therapy was not as helpful as I think the information on this site is going to be. I also am pursuing a bachelors in human services management.

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May 15, 2010
Additional hate

I basically went through the same horrible experience you did almost 40 years ago and yet it sometimes feels like it only happened yesterday. I relive all those bad feelings, but with it I also carry a lot of hate. Hate towards my late mother because she confronted the guilty party when I condifed in her and at the end she chose to believe HIM instead of me. I can be wrong, but I think you feel the same. Betrayed by your mother. How unfair to have to deal with that too.

Unfortunately I don't know what to tell you to make it better or ease the pain as I haven't figured it out myself yet. All I know is that we need help. To get rid of this monster that dwells inside us.

What you don't let go of, you have to carry with you. Easier said than done though. You'll know.

Love and blessings to you!

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