Relief, beyond belief-

by Frank
(New York)

I have been in a relationship with a women whom had many intamcy issues, however the love of my life. I am a 40 year old male that has been sexually abused early in my life. Through much work and personal self help I have slowly developed out of my abuse and into a very accomplished individual.

My realationship with my Fiance lasted for about 5 years until recently. For the past year she has exhibited mood swings, depression, low self esteem, and constantly lashing out at me. This behavior escalated following our engagement. I realized that something had changed due to her brother moving back to the United States. She has not lived with him since she was a child, since his return her behavior significantly changed. We would break up and then she would contact me and tell me that she missed me and wanted to have a future with me, get back together and the cycle would continue. I thought that maybe she had met someone else, but realized that this was not the case, because she would always reach out to me. We spoke about my assumption of someone else and she claimed that this was not the cause. However would not tell me what was on her mind. Through conversations we had throughout the past year, (our downfall year) she would talk about her brother in a hateful way, especially when referencing childhood. She was a wreck when he was around and would split off almost to the point of complete distraction. To her credit and much accomplishment she consumed herself with her studies and completed her Bachelors Degree in Nursing. I am so proud of her and all of her accomplishments, she always wanted more and worked hard to achieve it.

My story is simple, while trying to help her and be supportive throughout this past year and a half since he arrived her behavior towards me was very agressive and somewhat abusive. I was out of patience and emotionally could not deal with her actions. I love her very much but sadly came to the realization that there was nothing I could do to help her. Her "up and down" behavior was effecting my ability to concentrate, sleep and eat. My anxiety level was at an all time high and I was begining to get depressed. I searched the internet to see about signs and symptoms of abuse as an adult and that is how I came across Becky's web site. I reached out to her and she gave me nothing but positive and helpful words that I could relate to and digest in very kind and informative way. She made me realize that if I was not healthy with myself, then I really could not be helpful to someone who indeed needs help. My concern and love for my girlfriend out weighed my care and concern for myself. I thought that if I could'nt be there for her, then I was acting selfishly, when in reality she has to make her own realization. Becky made me realize that I had a great deal of inner strength, thus I learned on my own that at this time I must let her go. A very painful decision, however I don't think that I was any good for either of us. I am finally maintaining good, healthy activities for my self and would hope that one day my girlfriend would seek out some help and take care of herself. I believe that with me there to constantly lash out too, she had no way to internalize her own feeling and deal with them.
My heart is broked and I will heal, thank you Becky. I have been fortunate that our paths have crossed and hope that whomever may read this may agree or disagree with me, the bottom line is that in our brief messages to each other I gained the courage to act and take care of myself. Being a survivor of many childhood afflictions, taking care of ones self is one of the most difficult objectives to accomplish. Thank you for giving me some peace with my thoughts-

May you continue to have the strength and knowledge to help others-

All the best to you-


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