I'm a girl. I'm 16, and my dad is an acoholic. He left my mum two years ago. I still see him, he needs so much looking after. I love him. I love him but I hate him as well, I hate him, because when he lived with us he was violent. But not really where my mum could see.... he hit her a couple of times when he got into rages from drinking, but he always needed someone to talk to afterwards. It was me, always me, I wanted to do it. I was about eight when it started. He used to say weird, horrbile stuff, just me and him at the kitchen table late at night. He was sad, angry. I wanted to help him, I wanted to help him so badly. He used to come to my room. He would come in after we'd talked and sit on my bed and talk some more. But he'd need something, something I still don't understand, and he'd do things which I didn't like. I knew it wasn't right but he needed it, so badly, and I didn't understand it. But I told him I understood him. I let him know that. He still phones me when he's upset. Now, I want an abusive husband who beats me up. I want one that will treat me like shit and beat me up and rape me horribly, and then kick me and go to the pub. I'd clean the house for when he got back. Then it would happen agian. Oh, that's what I want. That's what I'm looking for. Anyone abusive, but no one will ever see the bruises and the marks or anything, no one. Is that wrong, maybe. But I'm not going to see a fucking stupid psychologist about it! Is it wrong I don't want help? I'm not sure, but god, I dont' want it to ever end. I miss it now that he's gone.