Too Numb To Live

by Mari
(Tokyo, Japan)

Im fading.
Its over.
I wish it never happened.
It changed me completely.
And I hate myself so much more because of it.

It ruined my sexuality- fear of remembering it from intimacy or loving intimacy too much.
I lost control of myself after it happened.
I dont know who I am or how to act anymore.

I feel it stopped time and it made me trapped in its grasp,unable to escape.
I feel somethings wrong with me- how I just cant get over all of this.

How can pain be so unbarable I go numb.
If I blend in with society maybe I wont feel so different and alone.

How can I get out of my head.
And my body that embraces every feeling it gets.

Will time ever tell?

All I do is hide in my secret place.
No one knows where it is or how it makes me feel.

I deal alone with this holocaust inside me.

Writings my outlet.
My place to feel everything I do and accept them.

Instead of judging myself like I do on the outside.
Just so no one will know that I really cant deal with it alone.

I keep quiet so no one knows.
What will change if they did?
Will this be over?