Survivor

by Nettie Ballinger
(Florida)

It started at age 5. I used to watch my mother and step father fight they would use knifes cutting each others arms till one day my mom could not take any more. She got up one morning and packed and left never came back for me or my 3 siblings. Days past then it was my 5 th birthday. It started normally. I had a party and after the party my step father gave baths to my 2 brother and my sister than it was my turn. It was normal for him to give me a bath as he was washing me he hand got closes and closes to my vagina. As he started to push into my vagina I was pulling away saying no he was saying this is what daughters do to show they love there daddy's. It was uncomfortable so I kept pulling away and he put my head under water and healed me there while he pushed harder and faster when he was done he let me up and left me siting there.After that day the look in his eyes changed. Every time it was time for him to do things to me he had this evil look in his eyes. I always said no stop it but he always says its ok to show your daddy you love him. I remember times siting by the door hoping my mother would come and get us and crying when it was time for bed cause I knew it was time for him and I would not be saved tonight. He did those things to me fore the next 3 years.He steped up his game one day I was home alone with him and he came in my room with that same look. I fought hard and lost he raped me and bet me. I heard the door open it was my sister home with my younger brothers. My step father got off and left me there bleeding and crying. My younger brother walked in saw me laying there and brought me a rag.After that day I prayed every time he started that he would kill me cause I never stooped fighting he just got stronger. But every time he got off I was still alive. I hated him and my mother and myself. I said if only I tried harder. I remember visiting my mother and her current boyfriend I asked her why she never came back for us she said while she was in the hospital she let him adopt us so there for he was my legal garden.Things got worse as I fought more. One evening he had his brother and a friend over all 3 had there turn. After they put me in the closet naked. It was dark and cold I took comfort in one beam of light I stared at it.After 2 more years of that I started to write story's about my life my abuse supposed to fictional had fake names till my teacher started to ask question and I told everything that day after school the police' was at my house. I was happy felt that maybe things will change for that maybe it is my time to be happy. I was in a home waiting to see if they would put me back with my mother.First my sister was put with my mom and her boyfriend she ran away over and over again. Than it was my turn there was some tension between me and my mom. Her boyfriend would touch me. I acted like it did not happen. I hated men I could not go to the doctor unless it was a woman and it was the same for a cab driver, teachers. I became a loner on my own music and dancing became my friend. Her boyfriend started to pick me up on the way to school he would say get in I did. I did not want to hurt any more he would say I was pretty he loved me. My mother started to send me over to my grandmas house on the weekends. I found a letter one day my mom was sending to my uncle it said “Her boyfriend asked her if he gives all she wants if he can have me when I turned 18 and she said yes”. My anger for my mother multiplied I stooped caring about anything. Tried killing myself a couple of times started to behave badly. I thought if I was going to get hurt might as will have a reason for it. I just let him do whatever he wanted. My head went blank when he started and did not come back till he was done. I did not care what happened to me anymore. Until one day when I meat an old friend of mine and the boy he was with. Me and this boy started to hang out and talk. He mad me feel safe. On my 18th birthday I accepted god into my heart. Life went on I married that boy had 3 kids with him. Thought everything was fine till I realized I was not over my past I still had things to work out if I wanted to be the best wife and mother that I could be. I was determine not to let what happened to me destroy me any more. I have my happiness and my life back because I would not give up. My husband and my kids mean the world to me. I am a womans minister here to help other woman. So if this story helps just one it has done its job. All woman have been through this knows you never forget and I will not try and tell you that you will cause you wont. But I am saying that you don't have to live in that moment. Take back your life for your family and most of all for yourself. Cause livening in the past does not hurt the ones who did it to you it only hurts you and the ones you love. And remember you are not alone there are people who care. We understand not being able to talk to your loved ones it took me a very long time before I was able to share with my husband.I am 28 now and I have just dealt with my past sometime 2 years ago but there are still some things I am dealing with. So it will take time. But you can do it. I could not help my sister she became a prostitute needing a man in her life not caring what they did to her. And no one in my family knows if she is alive or dead. I watched her get worse and worse. I have determined not to become that and I want to help you not become that. So please if you have any questions please post them. We are sister we should stand with each other and I am STANDING. Wont you stand with me.Me and my mother have worked through our things and we have a relationship again it took someone close to use dieing for us to realize life is to short. I love my mother a lot and I am happy to have her back. My marriage is good my kids are happy and I am going to keep it that away. Those men have no power over me no more. I have broken the shackles that they had on me.~





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Feb 26, 2010
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In Reply.
by: Anonymous

Reading this made me cry.
I have been raped and molested several times, once by my cousin. It breaks my heart to see what people do to each other.

Oct 19, 2008
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by: Anonymous

Thank you.

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