Never Forgets

by Estel

My story starts when I was 5. I guess it starts before that cause I remember seeing fights between my mother and step father. But what I officially remember starts at 5. Sometime before my birthday my mother left. It was me and my 2 younger brothers, and my older sister. I don't remember the age difference between us all. My step father liked to drink and liked girl company. Before my birthday he always had a different female over every night. On my 5 b-day, there was a party my mother came along with her currant boyfriend. I had fun, but it did not last long. My fun day turned to my first day of the beginning pain of my life. It was bath time, my step father was giving me on which was normal. Until he started to touch me, he molested me in the bathtub. When I tried to pull away and whine he would put my head under the water. When he was done he took me out of the water and left the bathroom. My sister came in and dressed me. That happened every bath time for the next 3 years.

When I was 8 it was time for him to step it up. He took me to his bedroom and told me it was time to show him how much I love daddy. He tried tot take my cloths off I tried fighting telling him I don’t want to that he hurts me. He said the pain will lesson, don’t you want to make your daddy happy. And I said no not like that. He smacked me hard across the face and I feel to the ground. He ripped my cloths off and smacked me a couple more times I got dizzy and before I new it I was tied to his bed naked. He had a belt, a black belt. He hit me across my chest area. And I fraught, I wiggled to get free but it did not work. Each time I asked him to stop I got a new hut. He never hit in a place that would be seen. Kept to my chest, lower parts. He punched me in the face telling mt be quiet. After I was barely awake he raped me. When he was done he left me bleeding tied to his bed.

I continued to get raped for 2 more years by him and sometimes his brother and his friend. They liked making torturing me, make me kneel like a dog, they put me in dog cages naked, made me stand there naked in front of them. It was always cold during that time. One evening there were so drunk and they ripped my cloths off and made me stand there naked for an hour as the stared at me if I wobbled I got hit. By then I learned to not cry. I never showed the pain anymore. It was then I started asking god to kill me to let this all be over. And then I curse god because they would walk away me bleeding and still alive. When they were done with me they would put me in the dark, cold closet naked and in my own blood. I sat in the corner by one little ray of light until they woke up from passing out. Usually a full day, with no food. They always put a dog bowl in there with water for me.

I used to write story’s and I would use my life in them just use different names. Finally one of the teachers desired to ask and I was 10 and I finally told. They told me to go home and everything will be taken care of. I went home an no more than 20 min the police were there and arresting him. I was taken to the hospital and out in a cold room alone. As I laid on the bed waiting for someone to come in, I was shaking and cold and scared and felt alone.

I was put into a home for kids waiting to be put back with there parents, apparently my mother wanted us back. During the next 2 years I tried to kill my self I was 11. I had visits from my mother and her boyfriend. I thought that maybe I can have a childhood, he seem to be a nice a guy. Ohhhh how wrong I was. They put my sister back with my mother and than me and then my brother. She had to get us one at a time. The first year was ok. But when I turned 13 he seemed to look at me funny, brush up against me and drink and sit at the foot of my bed at night.

We had a nice old lady that lived under us, she had her 2 grand kids living with her both boys and she had there father, her son living there as well along with her husband, She tried to get me out as much as passable. But I was used to being alone. One night when I was 14 he got drunk came into my room and raped me. My mother came in right after and told me I was to sleep with him when I tried to tell her what happened she said not to lie. The next morning I told this old lady, she called the police and they came and put me in with my grandma. Told my mom she could not call me at all. My grandma allowed this man to come over and gave her money and he took me out in his van and raped me that way. My mom got a hold of me and told me that if I don’t take this back I will never see my baby brother again. So I took it back. He continued to rape me for 2 more years. I never fought, I never asked him to stop, my mind left my body, when my mind came back he was done. I found a letter one day to my uncle from my mother and in it said, if she gave me to him when I turned 18 that this man would give her what ever she wants. Finally I said something and the police told her if she does not live this guy she would lose all her kids. And naturally because we were state kids at that time she got paid for us so she left him. But she hated me for it. During all these years with him and her I was there maid. I learned to clean a kitchen floor with a tooth brush. I could clean a 3 bedroom, living room, dinning room, kitchen, 2 bathrooms, laundry all by myself in half a day. Cause if I didn’t I got beat.

During these years I had a therapist (might I add most of them suck) and my driver that took me there and home again would molest me while he drove, and yes I did nothing. I tried to kill my self once again. Her boyfriend would sit me in his lap acting like he was teaching me how to drive and use it to get what he wanted. I was raped by a guy in high school.

Now I am afraid to drive, I am working on that one. I am afraid of the dark, I am afraid of my head being under water, I am claustrophobic, my cheats begins to hurt. I am a 30 year old woman 3 kids, who in her life has been hurt over and over again by people who were supposed to protect me and love me. I have tried to kill my self 3 times. I have prayed to god for death, and hated him after seeing I was still alive. I have forgiven these people, but I will never forget. It has been 14 years and I can still tell you what they smelled like, I can still tell you the look in there eyes, I can still feel the way they felt, I can still remember every time I asked them to stop, every slap, ever time I felt alone, every time I wanted someone, anyone to save me.

I don’t trust easy, making friends is hard for me to do. I have been used to hearing, it was my fault, or I have to much to deal with to be friends with, or that I am imposable to love. The list goes on. When I was no longer being hurt is when my family decided to help. And I simply told them, I don’t need it now whee were you than. I recently found out that my step father recorded what he did and it is somewhere out there on the internet.

I am still working through a lot of things. I will not see a therapist I have had my share of them and all I got was “I understand” that is crap.