Never Forgets

by Estel

My story starts when I was 5. I guess it starts before that cause I remember seeing fights between my mother and step father. But what I officially remember starts at 5. Sometime before my birthday my mother left. It was me and my 2 younger brothers, and my older sister. I don't remember the age difference between us all. My step father liked to drink and liked girl company. Before my birthday he always had a different female over every night. On my 5 b-day, there was a party my mother came along with her currant boyfriend. I had fun, but it did not last long. My fun day turned to my first day of the beginning pain of my life. It was bath time, my step father was giving me on which was normal. Until he started to touch me, he molested me in the bathtub. When I tried to pull away and whine he would put my head under the water. When he was done he took me out of the water and left the bathroom. My sister came in and dressed me. That happened every bath time for the next 3 years.

When I was 8 it was time for him to step it up. He took me to his bedroom and told me it was time to show him how much I love daddy. He tried tot take my cloths off I tried fighting telling him I don’t want to that he hurts me. He said the pain will lesson, don’t you want to make your daddy happy. And I said no not like that. He smacked me hard across the face and I feel to the ground. He ripped my cloths off and smacked me a couple more times I got dizzy and before I new it I was tied to his bed naked. He had a belt, a black belt. He hit me across my chest area. And I fraught, I wiggled to get free but it did not work. Each time I asked him to stop I got a new hut. He never hit in a place that would be seen. Kept to my chest, lower parts. He punched me in the face telling mt be quiet. After I was barely awake he raped me. When he was done he left me bleeding tied to his bed.

I continued to get raped for 2 more years by him and sometimes his brother and his friend. They liked making torturing me, make me kneel like a dog, they put me in dog cages naked, made me stand there naked in front of them. It was always cold during that time. One evening there were so drunk and they ripped my cloths off and made me stand there naked for an hour as the stared at me if I wobbled I got hit. By then I learned to not cry. I never showed the pain anymore. It was then I started asking god to kill me to let this all be over. And then I curse god because they would walk away me bleeding and still alive. When they were done with me they would put me in the dark, cold closet naked and in my own blood. I sat in the corner by one little ray of light until they woke up from passing out. Usually a full day, with no food. They always put a dog bowl in there with water for me.

I used to write story’s and I would use my life in them just use different names. Finally one of the teachers desired to ask and I was 10 and I finally told. They told me to go home and everything will be taken care of. I went home an no more than 20 min the police were there and arresting him. I was taken to the hospital and out in a cold room alone. As I laid on the bed waiting for someone to come in, I was shaking and cold and scared and felt alone.

I was put into a home for kids waiting to be put back with there parents, apparently my mother wanted us back. During the next 2 years I tried to kill my self I was 11. I had visits from my mother and her boyfriend. I thought that maybe I can have a childhood, he seem to be a nice a guy. Ohhhh how wrong I was. They put my sister back with my mother and than me and then my brother. She had to get us one at a time. The first year was ok. But when I turned 13 he seemed to look at me funny, brush up against me and drink and sit at the foot of my bed at night.

We had a nice old lady that lived under us, she had her 2 grand kids living with her both boys and she had there father, her son living there as well along with her husband, She tried to get me out as much as passable. But I was used to being alone. One night when I was 14 he got drunk came into my room and raped me. My mother came in right after and told me I was to sleep with him when I tried to tell her what happened she said not to lie. The next morning I told this old lady, she called the police and they came and put me in with my grandma. Told my mom she could not call me at all. My grandma allowed this man to come over and gave her money and he took me out in his van and raped me that way. My mom got a hold of me and told me that if I don’t take this back I will never see my baby brother again. So I took it back. He continued to rape me for 2 more years. I never fought, I never asked him to stop, my mind left my body, when my mind came back he was done. I found a letter one day to my uncle from my mother and in it said, if she gave me to him when I turned 18 that this man would give her what ever she wants. Finally I said something and the police told her if she does not live this guy she would lose all her kids. And naturally because we were state kids at that time she got paid for us so she left him. But she hated me for it. During all these years with him and her I was there maid. I learned to clean a kitchen floor with a tooth brush. I could clean a 3 bedroom, living room, dinning room, kitchen, 2 bathrooms, laundry all by myself in half a day. Cause if I didn’t I got beat.

During these years I had a therapist (might I add most of them suck) and my driver that took me there and home again would molest me while he drove, and yes I did nothing. I tried to kill my self once again. Her boyfriend would sit me in his lap acting like he was teaching me how to drive and use it to get what he wanted. I was raped by a guy in high school.

Now I am afraid to drive, I am working on that one. I am afraid of the dark, I am afraid of my head being under water, I am claustrophobic, my cheats begins to hurt. I am a 30 year old woman 3 kids, who in her life has been hurt over and over again by people who were supposed to protect me and love me. I have tried to kill my self 3 times. I have prayed to god for death, and hated him after seeing I was still alive. I have forgiven these people, but I will never forget. It has been 14 years and I can still tell you what they smelled like, I can still tell you the look in there eyes, I can still feel the way they felt, I can still remember every time I asked them to stop, every slap, ever time I felt alone, every time I wanted someone, anyone to save me.

I don’t trust easy, making friends is hard for me to do. I have been used to hearing, it was my fault, or I have to much to deal with to be friends with, or that I am imposable to love. The list goes on. When I was no longer being hurt is when my family decided to help. And I simply told them, I don’t need it now whee were you than. I recently found out that my step father recorded what he did and it is somewhere out there on the internet.

I am still working through a lot of things. I will not see a therapist I have had my share of them and all I got was “I understand” that is crap.

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Dec 09, 2013
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Therapists NEW
by: CeCe

Regarding my earlier post, I have seen a therapist. She was wonderful. For the first time in my whole life I feel "normal" whatever that is. I used to feel alone and different now I do not. She addressed my deepest emotional pain, that of feeling abandoned by my mother because I was sent to the hospital with a male policeman and examined by a male doctor without my mother's presence.
The pain that inflicted on me is now gone. I can be myself. I feel like I am valued by other people, sisters, and friends. I have forgiven my mother because I realize she was not emotionally there and I think that is because she has a lower IQ than some people and was in total denial of how that would effect me. I have learned different ways of dealing with life. I admit that I need a crutch if you will and that's ok. I'm on an anti-depressant but the milligrams are minimal. I do have clinical depression because of the situation and that helps me cope in that I am better able to focus taking it than I am without it.
My life is more on an even keel. My marriage is better because I was able to address things with my husband that he was in denial about.
God Bless you all,
CeCe

Dec 03, 2013
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fuck life NEW
by: Anonymous

are you lez?

if you are i want your #

heres mine 661-230-0821

May 21, 2013
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need to change us NEW
by: Anonymous

hi.I'm Bijan from Iran. I read that . it is so terrible. I think human societies need a seriouce social movement based on education human rights and ethical rules.
www.mardill.blogfa.com

Apr 04, 2013
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my thoughts NEW
by: Anonymous

I just read this and it made me cry like hell I am so sorry for what happened in your childhood and I know u said in there that you forgive these people now but I have 1 question how do u forgive people who have ruined most of your life I'm not saying that it was bad 2 4gve them but I don't get why they should be forgiven but 4 your children's sake you should get a psychiatrist so that they will not be affected by this and they might fell that you are keeping to yourself and not being open with them depending on there age and the way you act around them your mother wasn't very good at her job let's put it that way she didn't deserve children so that she could let her boyfriend take advantage of you and your siblings so enough from the past and I wish u the best for the future and I might not no much because I am just a teenager but I read up on things like this a lot and I'm just pointing out my opinion about your childhood

Oct 04, 2012
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Sometimes you got nowhere to go. NEW
by: Anonymous

When I read stories like this my comment is almost always... that I would make sure they are never in my life at the point when I can keep my own counsel. But the fact is sometimes you have to lean on people who can't always be trusted. And sometimes the last thing in the world you want is for someone to whisper sweet nonsense in your ear. You know I have been through a lot in my life but not anywhere near the magnitude of your ignominy. And I don't believe it is always true that whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Often times that is true but sometimes it isn't. Personally I don't see how a person who has experienced what you have can be the better for it. But it is up to you to demonstrate how it is done. I hope you succeed. You deserve to.

Feb 01, 2012
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Tragedy NEW
by: Anonymous

It sounds like your life was extremely hard but you have people who will love you unconditionally no matter what- your kids- and you can ensure that they do not go through what you went through.
You sound like you are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and you will probably do so for the rest of your life. For the sake of your kids, maybe you could consider seeing a psychiatrist so that they do not suffer too by seeing their mother upset because of these evil men.
Well done for writing your story.It was very brave. You sound like a courageous, wise survivor.


Sep 04, 2011
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You are not alone
by: CeCe

I just read your story and it made me so sad for that little girl inside you. I wish you had someone to trust when you were little. I know you don't like therapists and I can see why.
But, there is One who loves you just the way you are and is hoping you will give him a chance. God cares how you feel, he knows what you have been through.
He gives each person a free will and unfortunately, sometimes cruel people use that free will to hurt the weakest people, the children, for their own selfish pleasure. It is wrong, they were wrong. Every time you were abused, God cried for you.
I too was abused as a child. I was taken by a pedophile and was abducted and sexually abused by him. He was later caught, thank God. While I was in his car, I started to pray silently to God. I felt him with me the whole time. I felt so scared yet I knew He was with me. That man let me go and I ran home just a block from my house. I told my Mom what happened. But one thing still haunts me sometimes. The teacher told my Mom that just a few days before we had a lesson about getting cars with strangers. I don't know if she lied to my Mom or not, I do not remember that lesson. My Mom asked me why I got into the car. I was 6, I was a friendly, trusting child. I do not know why. But I felt like she blamed me. Eventually I healed from all that but not for many years. Thiw is only part of my story. I may share more later.

My parents didn't believe in Therapists or anything. I do know that child molestation effects kids for life. They feel alone, they feel different and they have been robbed of their childhood. You can send me a message if you want to sometime.

I just wanted you to know, you are not alone.

CeCe

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