My journey to self acceptance and healing after abuse
Wow, not usually lost for words but my fingers are struggling to find the keys on the keyboard, oh the resistance!!! However, I will push on and do my best to tell my story. Were to start...............
I am a 29 year old woman, a wounded healer, a psychotherapist. My memories of abuse have only come to the surface over the last few years, escepially in therapy college. My first memory of abuse was by my father, must have only been 4 or 5. After that, I don't remember anything really, years were lost of memories. My father left my mother ans next time I saw him when when I was 12, an instance of inappropiate behaviour occured.
I was a messed up child, with no emotional support at all, emotionally abondoned with unavailable parents.
I began to drink heavily and take drugs at 14, a lot of drugs. I was very promisicous, having a lot of encounters with boys. I then spent 10 years with an abusive partner, during this time my then partner abused me one night in town, leaving my on the ground in pain. A taxi driver found me, and said he would help me. He didn't, he brought me to an industrial estate and tried to rape me. I truely beleive to this day god startled him, he looked around as if someone was coming and stopped. I looked too, and saw nothing but the shadow of a street light on the ground. God has saved me, but I still went back to my partner. I later tried to commit suicide, thank god it didn't work. 10 years into the relationship I found the courage to leave my partner and start a new life but whatever I done I was still miserable. I had such anger and rage built up, and really didn't know who I was. I was very self destructive and had absoloutely no self worth, allowing people take advantage of me, and abuse my good nature. Although I had overgone years of therapy, there was something missing. I began to feel really love again and fell into a depression. Funny enough the only clients I was seeing at that time were suicidal clients, and clients suffering with depression.
It was only when I done an Art therapy course for therapists that all the pieices of the puzzle started to add up. I drew a number of pictures, paintings and sculptures, and hung them on my wall. There was my life hanging on a wall in front of me, the good parts of me, the bad parts of me, the parts I was never allowd exppress, the parts I always wanted to express but didn't know how. At that moment I beleived that they were all me regardless of what they were, and I felt an overwhelming sence of peace, of acceptance. I can't describe what happened at that moment, but I felt I was being re born, I felt like I was in a temple and this pcitures needed to be worshipped, but those painting were me, so I needed to worship myself.
In accepting all the parts of me including the abuse, I started to heal, to see myself as a person of true worth, deserving of all the good things in life. I found god for the first time, and constantly have an amazing feeling of connectness to a higher being, it's fantastic.
I still have issues, I still find it difficult to trust, constantly hold my breath in antisipation of something about to happen, and still can't sleep at night, but that's ok.
I have come such a long way, long enough to learn to love myself, and experience the most wonderful gift a person could have - a partner who loves me unconditionally. Although I am not perfect, I am a wonderful loving caring person, seeing the beauty of life and in living for the first time in a long time. I can honestly say for the first time ever I love life, and I love myself xxx