My Empty Glass

Yes, I am one of those care givers, that never took/takes care of herself.

This is not in any particular order and I appologize for the spelling. I am just going to type what comes to my mind.

I have always been the caregiver. I took care of my family members and became a nurse. I never took care of myself. Why? Because I hated myself. I hated what my body represented. I hated everything about myself. I felt worthless, dirty, ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, useless and VERY depressed. Yes I was suicidal, yes I had a plan. I knew I had been sexually abused by an older cousin, but I would never except it. I didn't know that this was my main rooted problem, it was/is causing my heartache.

So I went 28 years without mentioning this to ANYONE. I buried myself in my work, taking care of others, volunteering for any committee that I could..so I didn't have to admit the abuse or "feel the pain". I didn't have time to think about it.

I lost my mother 18 months ago..I didn't handle that well, and decided I need to talk to a counselor. My first experience was NOT a good one, we were not compatable...I wasn't sure I wanted to try again..but I knew I had to. So I tried again, we seemed to do well with each other..I think it was the 4th or 5th session he asked me if I had been sexually abused. I stated no and didn't return for another appt. Six months later I was in crisis. The body memories were horrible, the panic attacks were getting out of control. I ended up in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack.

So I went back and fessed up. I have been going to see him weekly since then. I am not going to say that I am fine, I struggle EVERYDAY. I still have body memories..but I can now work through them. But what amazes me most is what sexual abuse has influenced in my life. My relationship with my husband, my selfesteem.
EVERYTHING!! I decided that I wasn't going to be "beautiful" so here I sit 120 pounds overweight, because I didn't want to be hurt. I have put us in financial disaster because i spent money like it was water to make myself happy..it didn't work! I am trying to fill my glass..and I couldn't do it without my counselor or websites like these.

Thanks for listneing!