Just beginning to figure it out

by Becky
(England)

I have Borderline personality disorder, depressions, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder, i engage in dangerous situations to excite me, i have used alcohol a little to numb the pain and self harming to comfort myself. I spent years trapped in the circle of harming myself because of abuse. I was abused as a child physically for years. I had no confidence and developed Obsessive compulsive disorder to help me have some control in my life. It got better when i left home. When i was 15 i was raped by a man who i liked, he was 16 years older than me. We met in the pub and chatted, he always liked my friend but i liked him. He raped me one day after he had gotten me drunk, he took me away from my village and paid for a hotel room to do it in using a false name. I wanted to leave the room but couldn't. He got away with it as i dropped the charges and was then accused of being a liar, that still hurts to this day. I was then abused emotionally by a man when i was 26, i stayed with him for 6 months and met my husband who has abused me sexually, physically and emotionally for 2 years. He made me feel useless, worthless and dirty. I left him just over a week ago and i feel determined that i want to heal from this now. I attend psychotherapy 2-3 times a week to help me feel my emotions, to change destructive behaviour patterns and to give me confidence in my own actions and thoughts.

I am left with many scars, no confidence, post traumatic stress, nightmares, sexual problems and body memories. I fear that i wont trust again properly. I really want to change this and to love myself and my inner child. I use music as an emotional channel too. I like to sing to heal my soul, this has felt very powerful to me.

I do believe that healing is possible but we must start with ourselves, learn to love ourselves and our bodies, be confident in saying no when we dont want to do somethings. To believe in ourselves and to know that it isn't our faults!.