I want to stop hurting.

I've never told anyone this, ever. Sex was always this mysterious, dirty, hidden thing in my childhood. Never discussed. Never explained.

I remember playing with "doctor" with a friend. And then playing husband/wife with Barbie. My neighbor's cousin caught us. I was probably 10 or 11, maybe. He told me that he was going to tell my parents if I didn't do what he wanted. I don't remember him touching me but I remember him making me take my clothes off while he sat behind me and just watched. This happend 2 or 3 times. I remember just standing in this shed. Shaking and crying. Scared to death my parents would find out.

Soon after that, I found my father's hidden stash of pornographic books and magazines. My father - the church goer, the man who always critized the people on tv for dressing like "sluts". That is where I learned about sex. Girls were always thin and beautiful. And did everything a guy wanted them to do.

In middle school, high school, and college, I drank but mainly ate. I was the girl that guys took for heavy petting and touching but not to date. Not to take to the dances and parties.

So here I am 46 years old, never married, a virgin (only through the grace of God, as someone or something always interrupted me whenever I tried to sleep with someone), and 150 pounds overweight.

I feel alone, empty, useless, trapped, and just tired of fighting. I think numb is a good word.

I didn't turn from God and I didn't blame God. I blame me for not standing up to the creep and every other creep that I let touch me, just trying to feel loved and wanted.

Now, where to go from here? How did I let something that happend 35 years ago control my life and my choices for so long?

How do I stop punishing myself and start taking care of myself? I've read the verses. I know God loves me. I know he has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my fav verses). I know it all in my head. How do I start feeling like I matter?