I dk wat to do

Well... first off i just recently turned eighteen... it has been almost a full year since i was raped by one of my friends. I feel like a baby when i tell my story... but i don't want anyone else to know about it because i feel like it's in some way my fault. But i also feel like no one cares and after a yr i still haven't coped well with it, so i am typing this in hopes that it will help me. I just turned seventeen and had gotten my first job. i was so excited. Basically i became quick friends with two of the guys there. I trusted them... i shouldn't have. I already wasn't a virgin, so does it even matter that i was raped by him? I dk... anyways, it was a cold cloudy March day. Me and my two guy friends went to the lake. I wasn't gonna stay over night but i ended up trying weed for the first time that night, so i stayed till morning. When i woke up one of the two guys said he had to leave for a while. That left me with just one of the guys. I was fine until he started trying to kiss me and such. I didn't want him to, so i said no. I kept saying no... but he ended up doing wat he wanted to anyways. I was in shock and denial after he raped me. Couldn't believe it. How could someone do that to another person? When i told him i was upset about what he had done he said we couldn't be friends anymore. I became angry and depressed and i couldn't cope because i had no one to talk to about it. Months later in July the two guys randomly texted me again... like an idiot i went to chill with them. I went because i was so sad and lonely and just wanted the pain to go away and memory. so once again i was raped... and that night i drank with em and got drunk and they each raped me and they even brought a friend, so he did too. Then the next day they said we couldn't be friends anymore once again. I became soo... overwhelmed. i stopped talking as much to people. I was angry and mad. and hurt and i felt guilty and thought it was my fault. so i began to smoke weed. In august they asked to hang out again... i refused and they haven't talked to me since. it is february now. i run into them from time to time, but i look at the ground so they wont see me. I've been recently baptized and quit smoking weed... i'm slowly moving on... but it is so hard. i feel like a baby... but i don't know how to cope. i'm angry. i'm so angry. and nobody knows. i feel alone. i'm upset. i dk how to fix all this. i need help... but i dk if i really want it yet.