I Blamed Myself
How does one start a story such as mine. I'm just going to jump into it. I was 15 years old when I started dating this guy my sophomore year in high school. He was a year older than me. This might not mean anything to some of you but I was a strong Christian and I believed in waiting more than anything. When me and the guy started dating I felt like I meant something to someone and I felt important and I didn't want to lose that. With him he never called me baby, sweetie, or anything remotely sweet. It was always telling me what was wrong with me, how other girls like this or would do that, or how he was flirting with some girl earlier that day but he was my first real boyfriend and I just put up with it. Everyday I sat at lunch with him and two other girls (sorry but no these girls weren't my friends they hated me they were those types of girls) They always flirted with him and said certain things and made it to where I didn't get a chance to speak and for anyone who knows me they know that's not normal because I talk more than everyone in this world put together. I learned to just ignore it and say nothing and put up with everything. At school I was an embarrassment to him he didn't want to be seen with me but he would stay glued to other girls. When we weren't in school we hung out 24/7 but all he ever wanted to do was makeout and yes I guess that's common for teenagers to want to do that but I never thought anything of it. It was never good enough to just talk to me and enjoy time with me. I remember from the very first month we were dating he would always try stuff and every time I would say no but he would keep trying as if challenge to see how far he could get. It was never ending every time we hung out he tried and tried no not sex but small things leading to that and I wasn't comfortable with that at all. I said no every single time for months and months and months and he never stopped trying, he never listened. One night we were just making out and he started to go too far I said no over and over but he didn't care he kept on.. I remember after he left I felt so dirty and cried my eyes out. I felt I had betrayed God in every way and that he could never forgive me. I told myself I would never let him do that to me again but after that night when I would continue to say no he would tell me you've already done it so it doesn't matter now. He knew my beliefs and he knew how much that hurt me. He told me one night how he felt like he had raped me that night, I told him he didn't because I couldn't think that he was my boyfriend and that couldn't happen, right? I began to tell myself that if I just stayed with him and made it work and later marry him that it wouldn't be that bad of a sin and God could forgive me. So I allowed for him to continue to treat me this way. I ignored what he had done and kept everything to myself, telling no one for over a year. I grew numb and just stopped caring. He began treating me worse everyday, I remember on his birthday he tried stuff with me and I told him no and refused and he got up and left when I asked where he was going he told me, "There's no reason for me to be here if we're not going to do anything." I was losing myself bit by bit. I know this is not an ED story but throughout all of this I gained an ED, anorexia. I guess him always putting me down about everything and me not being able to control what he did to me led to that. After a year I knew I couldn't do it anymore, I had to get out of this bad situation. When I told him that I couldn't do it anymore he flipped out on me, started cussing me out calling me a whore and what not. Then he threatened me. He told me that he knew that one day I would want out of the relationship, so he made sure that I wouldn't be able to. I didn't know what he meant. He told me to just think about it and at first I thought that meant he tried to get me pregnant and he went along with that at first saying maybe I did. Then to find out he had hid a camera in a box and taped us. He told me that if I left him he would show that video to everyone, put it online, and basically just ruin me. I was scared I didn't know what to do. I honestly thought he was lying. After that I couldn't get away from him. He stalked me at school by being outside of every class of mine, following me in the halls, and outside. The day I got my license he even followed me. He would show up at my house and wouldn't leave. One time he showed up and I locked myself in my room for 2 hours and he still didn't leave nothing I did would make him go away. Finally I found out that the tape was real, he wasn't lying. He cornered me outside the school telling me that if I hid from him he'd tell everyone and how I was a whore. I finally told my best guy friend after I had a breakdown at a baseball game. Life was getting bad, I thought about killing myself every day and no I don't ever recommend that but that's how bad it got. School ended for the summer but secrets still remained just as I remained scared. Only two people in my life knew but they didn't know the whole story.
During that summer I was able to find God's forgiveness and I was even able to forgive myself I was able to put my purity ring back on and not feel disgusted with myself. By the time school started back the next year I was relieved knowing that he had went back to his old school and I wouldn't have to see him again. However, his sister was on my volleyball team and everytime we had to play his school I became scared to death. Then one day when walking into the locker room his sister was talking to the whole team as soon as I came in she stopped talking and they all stared at me, I left, or so they thought and she continued to talk saying how if i'm going to have sex I don't need to wear a purity ring and trashing me. One of my oldest/best friends refused to talk to me after that telling me how I lied to her by never telling her but she didn't understand she didn't know what had happened, what I had been through. I went through that those two weeks with peoples whispers going around and me just being alone. Nothing was better. The week after that a transfer truck ran me off a road and up and embankment flipping my car 3 times. I should have died that day. God kept me here for a reason and I knew that. I told myself that I should have died that day but I knew that God had kept me here for a reason. At least that is what people kept telling me. To this day people still think what they want to think about that situation but I refuse to tell. It's taken almost 2 years for me to admit that I was raped that night mainly because I was scared to admit it. Keep in mind this is the short story of everything that happened. And know that it didn't get better.. people talked and I had to take it. I never knew what to tell guys. Then I met this one guy who took it better than anyone could (no I didn't mention the rape) but we dated and it was a better relationship than before. He believed in no sex before marriage which was perfect. But the day after we broke up over half way through the school year I found out something that broke me down more than I had already been broken down. HE was coming back to my school. The next Monday he was there and I broke down, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop shaking. I wanted to die.
I'm doing better now, I deal with it everyday, and only a few know what really happened but none of them will ever understand fully. Time doesn't make it better and honestly even talking about it hasn't made it better for me. It's just something I have to learn to live with throughout my life and so will the guy who is willing to accept everything I've been through.