Hello

by Beth
(UK)

I was 5-6 when it started, my mother cheated on my dad with a man she worked with, and my parents divorced. But me, my older sister (9 at the time) and my older brother (12 at the time) still saw our dad all the time. But my mums new boyfriend started beating her. My brother knew about it, but was threatened to secrecy and my dad didnt find out until later. But he was just abusive to my mother. He would beat her, but never the kids, my siblings and me. But for some reason he took a special interest in me, maybe it was because I wasnt in proper school at that age, or I was too young to understand. But he used to force me to touch him and he would touch me back. I was too young to understand his "Special grown up games" he used to call them. I never told anyone. But my dad found out about him beating my mother, and he beat him up and my parents were back together. Still are. But I repressed the memories. When i was 14 my mother told me about Him, and that he used to hurt her. But I could not, for the life of me, remember that part of my childhood. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't recall my childhood from age 5-7. It wasn't until i was 16 that it all came crashing back. I had my first boyfriend, we waited 9 months before we decided we were ready to have sex. My first time (I thought at the time.). And I was so excited to lose my (Supposed virginity) to a guy I love. It hurt at first, for both of us, because I wasn't letting him 'in' and I didnt know why. But we managed it and I was so happy. He left a few hours later and then I went to bed. That was the first nightmare. I saw Him, he was bald and drove a blue family car, he was tall and skinny. Everything came back, like a bomb exploded and the reckage was my lost childhood. For weeks I cried and took scolding showers, but I didnt tell anyone. I blamed myself for not stopping it, for not telling anyone. and of course i wouldnt let my boyfriend touch me. He noticed eventually and forced me to talk. He is the only person to know about my history, his sister was abused by her stepfather, which was his real father, so i felt like he was the perfect person to tell. My parents dont know, i havent told them, and I dont plan to either. I learnt soon after that it wasnt my fault, I was too small and weak to stop something I didnt even know the name of at the time. I'm content with my life, even if I'm damaged. I have trichotillomania,where i pull my hair out, I had an eating disorder for a while, but I stopped. The nightmares are still there, my dad hears me crying at night, and he tells me to see a doctor, but i havent even told my doctor about the abuse. But all i do to make myself better is tell myself it wasnt my fault and that i'm content with life. I will never see him again and thats all i need. I'm broken, I may never be fully whole again, but I have a loving family that would never hurt me, and a boyfriend that i have been with since age 16 and i'm now 18. That's enough for me

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