A Path to Destruction

by Just at the beginning
(Ontario, Canada)

I was on a path
to destruction.
I was my target,
due to a deduction,

that I wasn't worth
facing the truth.
overcoming the hurt,
of my youth.

when I looked for help
and no one was found,
the pain and anger festered.
the effects were profound.

Now I can't trust,
and now I can't love.
had so much stolen from me.
so I look above,

to the stars in the sky.
thinking I'd rather be anywhere
but living this existence,
an escape from despair.

I can't leave just yet,
So I cut and I cry.
I'm not done just yet,
So I smoke and I die.

I bottled my emotions,
never allowed to feel,
found ways to numb the pain,
things less than ideal.

Eventually it worked.
impaired with no emotions,
but one day I realized,
What a terrible notion!

I had lost myself,
didn't know who I was.
Why had this happened?
It must be because,

Oh wait... I forget,
I spent all my time blocking out,
to protect myself from feeling,
and I had gone all-out.

One day I finally remembered,
because of stress and abuse,
all of the horrendous betrayals,
that could have no excuse.

I still got no help,
There was nobody I could trust.
I survived in silence,
Confusing love and lust.

They did not have the strength,
they could not sympathize,
to avoid and ignore,
was more of their size.

I remember only fragments,
of my life as a child.
I'm left with shame and guilt,
and reasons to act wild.

Still on the path to destruction,
with only myself to blame.
I tried to numb and run away,
In retrospect it was lame.

But I did what I did to survive,
To get through one more day.
I am glad to be alive,
And hope to soon be okay.

One day I had a real good look,
into my past and inside of me,
I gathered the strength to get help,
To begin to feel and see.

A new season of my life has started,
Although it began in the Fall,
Starts with recognizing all the damage,
Making the task seem very tall.

But Hope seems to drive me,
That this path will lead me well,
As Spring's around the corner,
After battling through this Hell.

I look forward to the future now,
After all I have been through,
I am worthy to feel joy and pleasure,
Because I think I am due.